We need a cultural model for consent that takes into account the whole person, rather than just “do you want to have sex right now?” The model of “anything other than yes means no” is an important part of education, but is what I would consider to be remedial consent. It’s the first step in consent education for a culture that sucks at consent on every possible level. However I think it’s important we understand that there’s still a lot more that can be built after we’ve achieved the remedial level.
Holistic consent addresses every major area of a person’s wants and needs. Even if you’re having “no strings attached” sex, you can’t possibly know if you mean the same thing by “no strings attached” until you’ve had a real negotiation.
The major areas of Holistic Consent are:
Mental:
-How’s your headspace?
-What are your thoughts surrounding this experience?
This gives people space to raise issues of neurodivergence if they might be relevant, in addition to simply allowing people to voice where their head is at.
Emotional:
-How are you feeling?
-If you deal with anxiety or other difficult emotions, what are your wants and needs around that?
This will more explicitly provide space to address issues of anxiety, depression, a recent break-up, a particularly tough week, or anything else that might be informing the internal landscape.
Physical:
-What sensations do you like or dislike?
-Are there any injuries or limitations to be aware of?
This provides space to talk about the impact of injuries around range of motion or how a variety of physical disabilities might impact someone’s wants and needs.
Trauma:
-Do you have any prior trauma that might come up, and how do we navigate that?
This is especially important for people who have sexual and relational trauma to understand where trigger points are, how to avoid them, and to have a plan in advance if something spontaneously comes up anyway.
Relational:
-What are your needs surrounding a sexual experience (before and after)?
-Do you need an ongoing connection, and what kind of ongoing connection works best for you?
This gives space to negotiate if connection and physical or emotional contact is important over the next hours or days. It also gives space to voice whether an experience would still be desirable if you already knew you were or were not going to keep in touch with each other, or make an attempt at forming a deeper connection.
Keeping all of these areas in mind is simply checking in with someone on where they’re really at right now and what they’re actually looking for. Not only does this give you a tangible understanding of the other person’s wants and needs, it also gives you the ability to assess for yourself if you believe this person is making decisions from a place that aligns with your own values. You might find out in the process that this isn’t someone who’s handling their-self in a way that you feel connected with. A holistic consent model aims to do more than simply prevent direct consent violations. The core aim is to prevent experiences that we’ll regret a week later, or getting involved with people who we later feel that we wish we’d known them better beforehand. It promotes transparent and direct communication to facilitate short-term or long-term connection.
