Hero with a thousand faces agonizes over which face to make their profile picture.
Failure is a stepping stone to a wet ass.
When you wish upon a star, your wish travels unimaginable distance to simultaneously incinerate and implode.
She moved to a new country and changed her wardrobe but was shocked to find that she was still the same person.
Utoiletarianism is the ethics of doing whatever you feel like in a bathroom that you’re not responsible for.
A friend is a ship that’s utterly useless on water.
Went searching for the Fountain of Youth, but all I found was a dried up well and a pile of baby forest animals.
If a child asks why the sky is blue, explain that what they label blue could be any color, and prepare them for a lifetime of contradictions.
As the nuclear blast consumed her home, the last thing she heard was, “Your call is important to us…”
In a fit of existential panic, a snail changes direction slightly.
Someone told me to ‘have the courage to overcome insurmountable odds’ so I bought two hundred lottery tickets — I’ll share when I win.
As you draw your last breath, start rough and hone in on the fine lighting details. Consider giving it a setting for added interest.
Never judge a book by its cover. There are two sides to every story so make sure you look at the back cover as well.
Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to be a bug flying into a window repeatedly going, “What’s wrong with this air?!”
Big fish in a small pond. Fish out of water. Fish have an awful lot of trouble being in the right place.
Remember when you were a kid and you thought your parents had all the answers? They really miss that.
Rudolph was the only reindeer who couldn’t pull the sleigh, so they put him in marketing.
Depression is like an onion. No matter how many layers you pull back, it just keeps making you sob uncontrollably in the kitchen.
The Greeks made multi-headed monsters because it’s way harder to laugh in the face of danger when danger has more than one face.
